Relationships, whether with a partner, family, or friends, can be tricky. Even when people care deeply for each other, they might cross lines, misunderstand one another, or unknowingly hurt each other. One way this can happen is through something called gaslighting.
Gaslighting is when someone makes another person doubt what they remember or how they feel. It’s often talked about as emotional abuse, but it can also happen in small, unintentional ways in everyday life.
Even if there’s no bad intention, gaslighting can leave someone feeling confused, frustrated, or unsure of themselves. The good news is that once you notice it, you can work to fix it. Here are five common ways this happens in relationships—and what to do instead.
1. Saying “That’s Not What Happened”
You remember something clearly, but your partner says, “That’s not how it happened,” or “You’re wrong.” It may seem small, but over time, this can make you question your memory.
Here’s the truth: memory isn’t perfect. Our emotions can change how we remember things. Two people can experience the same moment but remember it differently. That doesn’t mean one person is lying; it means you’re both seeing it through your own lens.
Try this instead: Say, “It seems like we remember it differently,” or “That’s how I saw it—maybe we both felt different things at the time.” This creates space for both of you to be heard.
2. Dismissing Feelings
When someone says, “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal,” it might be meant to calm things down, but it can actually make the other person feel like their feelings don’t matter.
In fact, studies show that when people feel ignored or dismissed, their stress levels go up. It makes them feel unsafe and unheard.
Try this instead: Say something like, “I can see you’re upset, help me understand why,” or “Your feelings matter to me.” This helps build trust and calm the situation down.
3. Blaming the Other Person
When a fight happens, it’s easy to say, “This is all your fault,” or point out what the other person did wrong. But this can start a cycle where both people stop taking responsibility.
Everyone makes mistakes, and blaming just makes things worse.
Try this instead: Use “I” statements like, “I felt hurt when that happened,” instead of saying, “You always mess things up.” This keeps things calm and helps both people work as a team.
4. Using “You Always” or “You Never”
Saying things like “You never listen” or “You always ignore me” can feel like you’re expressing your frustration, but they usually just make your partner feel attacked.
These big, sweeping statements aren’t usually true, and they make people shut down emotionally.
Try this instead: Be specific. Say, “When I was telling you something and you were on your phone, I felt ignored.” That helps your partner understand the exact issue and how it made you feel.
5. Using “I Was Just Joking” to Avoid Responsibility
Humor is great in a relationship—until it’s used to hide hurtful comments. If you say something mean and then follow it up with “I was just joking” or “You’re too sensitive,” it can make your partner feel like their feelings don’t matter.
Sometimes people use jokes to avoid uncomfortable feelings or guilt. But over time, it damages trust.
Try this instead: If your joke hurt your partner, say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you—I was trying to be funny. I want to understand why it upset you.” This shows you care and helps you both stay connected.
Conclusion
Gaslighting doesn’t always come from a bad place, it often comes from poor communication or stress. But that doesn’t make it okay. Noticing these patterns is the first step to stopping them.
Building a healthy relationship means making space for trust, kindness, and open conversations. And if things don’t improve, seeing a couples therapist can really help you both move forward.